Phenomenal

"There is a certain sense in which I would say the universe has a purpose. It's not there just somehow by chance. Some people take the view that the universe is simply there and it runs along–it's a bit as though it just sort of computes, and we happen by accident to find ourselves in this thing. I don't think that's a very fruitful or helpful way of looking at the universe, I think that there is something much deeper about it....." Roger Penrose

thursday

i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

my parents wont let me out these christmas holidays and its not fair.

they expect me to study while being socially inept. i really don't think that i can do that. its too hard. how can you study when your feeling all shitty and depressed because your all antisocial and deprived. no you can't really.

when you have no motivation, no friend to support or back you up or just laugh with. when you do not experience anything. when you can't relate to people.

how can you know what life is? how do you enjoy life without these.

are you even worth anything? can your life even be valued?

i ask myself these questions. whenever i'm alone, which is usual now, i often go blank. i do not have thoughts sometimes. sometimes i stare off and just sit there doing nothing until i feel like crying. because crying is the only thing that helps me get through this mess i'm facing. it is when you break down do you really pick yourself up again.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree; However green your branches

a complex universe

"and when we touch, we're not really touching, if our atoms did not repel one another, we'd pass through each other like galaxies unscathed."

we never really connect with anything.

image browsing sites

http://vi.sualize.us/

http://ffffound.com/

http://www.flickr.com

they have quite some original and quirky images, ideal to jot these down somewhere so i did.

Every day I ask myself: What would you do if you weren't afraid? And then I do it.

What do you do when you feel worthless?

You turn off the phone and all the lights, no tv. You kneel on your bed or just stand still for hours if you can stomache it. In these hours you will let yourself feel all that you need to feel. You will ask yourself questions you will not know how to begin to answer. When you close your eyes and just stand there, for the first time you will be listening to the real you. At this moment your brain will race, it will have so many questions for you it will over whelm you. Fight it, just stay no matter how desperate it makes you feel. There are things about you you need to confront. This may make you feel more lonely and worthless than ever but dont' leave, if you hang in, you will come to conclusions in your mind. You will find answers to many questions. You will see your worth relative to others. You will see that you have more value than you think. You will reallize that the only opinion that matters is your own. Once you realize this you will stop caring what others do or say, you will start to form valid opinions and the weight of the world will lift from you.

FINAL DAY OF PRELIMINARY YEAR 11

Today is my cousin Steph's birthday. I dont really ever have the chance to talk to her anymore, we used to be so close, unfortunately now whenever we visit her and the family, it is a bit awkward, maybe because now we've become so distant. It sucks to say that.

Today, I had my last exams! Religion and PDHPE. and Today is the last day of Year 11. Im on Holidays! WOOOOOOT My birthday in 6 days!
LETS SWITCH TO HOLIDAY MODE
FUCK YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

farout

fuck fuck fuck fuck

arggggghh im so pissed. it must be the exams

its finally spring

well what can you say when the week has been hectic.
duststorms and windy days and a week full of exams. its been a cheerful week and i cant wait what other weeks may bring :)
nearly finishing year 11. woooooot

all you got to do is enjoy it

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade

motivation

i finally have a realistic goal. it is to finish school, to study well throughout school. i want to be in the top 10 and get well above average. why? just because.

favourites

favourite movies:
garden state
amelie
the science of sleep
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
the little princess
the secret garden
charlie and the chocolate factory
walt disney classics
stranger than fiction

favourite books:
the catcher in the rye
goodnight mister tom
the folk of the faraway tree
the necklace of raindrops
alice's adventures in wonderland

favourite artists/bands:
death cab for cutie
the postal service
bloc party
yann tiersen
regina spektor
crystal castles


favourite others:
sister
amber the pug
windy sunny spring days
a cup of milk and a tray of cookies
raw laughter, raw smiles
abnormality and kookiness
bicycle rides
good reads
philosophy
cheesy accents
good life at the moment

may fair

Its may and its cold and its about to get colder. Its so pretty, the leaves. I love the sound when you tread on them. crunch crunch, the leaves lifeless though it sounds pretty lively if you think of it.
I really wish it snowed in Sydney. We could have snow fights and make snow mans and make snow anything. We could go skiing and snow boarding. We could catch snow flakes with our tongues.

I've never actually seen real snow.

bubble wrapped

i wish i could be myself and i wish i could be free.

wake up call

new school, new lifestyle, new get up in the morning time, new friends.
thats alot, and i feel overwhelmed with the whole thing.
my new school is okay. not what i was expecting. i'm a bit silly to think of such high expectations. what was i thinking? that life is going to be perfect? that this school is perfect? the people are friendly but it doesn't really feel homely or cosy. its like plucking you from your territory and dropping you into some unknown land where you will have to adapt whether you like it or not. anxiety is building, and i am plummeting downhill. i havent eaten lunch or recess for the past three days, which is surprising as i used to gobble my food down as quick as i can without being self conscious. i'll wait and i'll observe myself.

i chose to go so now i have to enjoy it.

feeling drowsy

hearts delight
recreating God's wonders through art. whats reality is creating fiction. singing in the shower even when you know you cant sing, break out in dance who cares who's watching, run out in the middle of the night and scream out your troubles in the park, run with that thrill in netball soccer basketball. make books an escape unit, let your legs take you on a walk not your brain, get laughing lines not frown or worry lines. learn because you want to know, work on making reality better than your dreams. seize every opportunity like its your last. listen to your heart when you cant depend on what the world says. love because you cant help it.


this put a smile upon my face

so many things

I want to buy so many things, but i'm so broke.

What happened to me finding a job for the Christmas holidays? I wished money grew on trees.

Still trying to find a polaroid camera from the markets or some secondhand shop. Need some fabrics and craft materials also. I want to get creative. It kinda feels lonesome, staying home, watching movies. After watching all those movies, you'd want to socialise with other people, but unfortunately, my friends are not contacting me, I guess its really hard to just call your friends up and just say hello. I don't want to be a wallflower.

Currently reading: the catcher in the rye , trying to finish the book before school starts. I'm in year 11 now, where all the real stress and deal comes in. I hope I make it to uni.

Early awakening

I could not at all get back to sleep after waking up early in the morning around 4.30am. It was too hot to even sleep last night, I tossed and turned fed up with the sweaty, warm pillow my head lay on. So i got out of bed and ate breakfast, and here I am blogging my first blog on this blogsite because there was nothing else to do after breakfast but search the effects of lack of sleep, depersonalisation and symptoms of an anxiety disorder on google. Then I came along this site and decided maybe I should create one for the joy of it. :)